I feel as if I am on a very steep slope, one covered with tiny gravel and every time I move, I slide a little further down the hill.
I weighed in today at 159 lbs. I am just five pounds away from my starting weight of two (two and a half?) years ago, when I first began this particular journey. I am barely keeping the panic at bay, barely keeping that little nasty voice from berating the heck out of me, barely able to stop from making my life a stringent rules-following hell as a way to force myself to lose weight and also to punish myself for having regained what I worked so hard to lose. We all know that drill, eh?
I want so badly to punish myself with restrictive menus and low-calorie foods and extreme exercise plans. To Drill Sergent my way to a perfect life. Gah!
I haven’t written lately because I’ve been so freakin’ busy — I took a job which is fabulous and amazing and is exactly what I want to be doing, but which requires a commute of 166 miles round-trip. This translates into about 3.5 hours on the road every day, 1.5 hours in the morning when traffic is light and usually at least 2 hours in the evening when I am invariably caught in rush hour. When the lease is up on this house, I will be moving closer to the fabulous job and cutting out much of this commute. I don’t know how this will work out for Boyfriend and myself as he really wants to stay in the current general vicinity — he grew up here, has built a life here and knows everyone in town, so I get it that he may not want to move very far away from here.
This many hours on the road and at work have wreaked havoc on my exercise routine. (yes, I had a routine going. sheesh! :) ) My new job is a desk job and I spend a minimum of 8 hours a day sitting on my bottom staring at a computer screen. My main physical activities are breathing, blinking, and clicking a mouse.
Being dependent on Boyfriend to buy food has wrecked my normal diet. When I saw my weight this morning, I was angry at him for constantly buying crap and calling it groceries. I felt helpless to change the situation because until August 15, all monies that I make will be going towards rent and utilities in order to catch up on past dues and avoid shut-offs and eviction. I fell to the ground and shook my fist at the sky, swearing that I will one day rise again, as God is my witness I will be buying my own food.
I can’t remember the last time there was fresh fruit in the house.
I absolutely HATE they way he eats.
And yes, the Great Blueberry Experiment has been postponed once again for lack of funds.
I went through my veggie seeds this morning and decided to plant some basil. I just now decided to go buy some lettuce and spinach seeds. On payday I will splurge on a tomato plant or two.
Yesterday, I found myself at KFC/Taco Bell with Boyfriend. He was starving, he needed something right now, no he could not wait to have a tuna sandwich at home. Good grief, whatever. Okay. I stood there in line, studying the menu, looking for a healthy option. I grabbed up the nutrition information pamphlet and started reading it. In the end, I passed on everything. I ordered nothing. And when I got home, I made some tuna salad and had a sandwich and a glass of water. Yay me! But what the heck is up with Boyfriend constantly offering me bites of his greasy fatty “food”? I really noticed it yesterday .. I had to say No about three times.
I don’t want Boyfriend to be The Enemy, but … he might be The Enemy. He does not take seriously my food choices or desire to lose weight. He cajoles me into sharing junk food with him, he brushes off my suggestions that we skip the drive-thru. I wonder if he is taking a stand for himself because I’m just too damned pushy about food? And I’m getting sucked along in his wake as he defends his right to eat whatever the hell he wants. But why undermine me? Does he feel I’m undermining him?
Argh. This sucks.
Two pieces of news:
1. Last week, I officially weighed in at 157. Yes, those same two pounds are back on my bottom. GRRRRRRRRR.
2. In order to accommodate my new work schedule (yes! I found a job!), I’ve switched my Official Weigh-In Day to Sunday, so my next official weigh-in is day-after-tomorrow.
Two pounds down this week and now I officially weigh 155. Yay!
And today I’m going to spend a little time putting together next week’s menu as well as mapping out some physical activity for next week. The only physical activity I participated in this week was about 300 casts into the local lake, each followed by a retrieve. In other words, I went fishing. :)
Boyfriend: Did you catch anything?
Boyfriend, smugly: Hmph.
BikiniMe: But as I said, I went fishing, not catching.
Because we are a pair of competitive-type folk, we have created a Fishing Derby for ourselves this summer. The terms are 1) the derby runs from Memorial Day to Labor Day; 2) we are trying to catch at least one of each type of trout found in Colorado; 3) we are not using bait — lures and flies only; 4) only fish caught on weekends or Mon-Fri after 5:30pm will count; and 5) we are each responsible for our own tackle (basically, I’m not allowed to go “shopping” in his tackle box.)
In these days leading up to the start of the derby, I have come to realize that I totally need a new fishing rod and reel. And my own vest. And a wider selection of lures. Oh, the shopping that will ensue! haha!
Anyway, back to the weight-loss talk. :)
I lost two pounds this week and it feels so good, not only to see that smaller number, but to feel smaller around the waist. And I have just now decided to use visualization to help me out with my goal, because just now a great vision of myself appeared in my mind’s eye. :) I am going to hold a picture in my mind of me being slim and healthy, looking great in a pair of jeans (flat stomach) and fishing vest, standing in or near a sparkling Colorado river, fishing. (And doing it well.)
This vision of my self makes me feel competent and calm.
invitation to laugh with me:
These are the times that try men’s souls .. and the souls of Biggest Loser wanna-be’s. *sigh*
I lost no weight this week. But, I did do my walking 3 days so far this week — and it just occurred to me that I may need to change my timing. Maybe. I currently weigh in on Thursdays but I’m counting weeks from Sat-Fri, so even though I’ve weighed in for the week, I still have days left in which to expend effort towards the goal. In other words, I’ve already measured my progress but I still have one more day of walking to contribute before I start a new week.
Actually, I’ll just keep it this way, since it’s more like real life what with it’s unbalanced checkpoints and all … except I can feel myself rearranging my thinking even as I type. haha!
And I’m keeping the faith this week — and trying a little harder to cut down on the sweets. I have such a habit of going to McDonald’s for an ice cream cone on a sunny day — argh!
Okay, instead of “cut down on the sweets”, I’m going to make this goal into something measurable:
This week, I will go to McDonald’s for an ice cream cone one time and one time only. I will remind myself that this goal is not about the calories, it is about changing the habit.
And actually, I want something a little better: real ice cream. I mean, if I’m only going to have it once a week, then I want it to be delicious. So, to rephrase:
I will not go to McDonald’s this week for ice cream. Instead, if I am going to have ice cream, I will buy one child-sized serving of delicious real ice cream at either Ben and Jerry’s or Walrus — on a plain cone, not a chocolate-dipped-with-rainbow-sprinkles cone (which is not hard to resist because the chocolate is nasty).
I will wait to set a new (and measurable!) fitness goal until Saturday.
For lunch today: steamed broccoli and carrots, brown rice, soy sauce.
On the menu tonight: Roasted sweet potatoes, steamed broccoli and cherry cole slaw.
Oooooo…. even though I am laughing along with her, I can’t wait to make Lasserday eat her words! haha!
My sister and I have reconciled to some extent and have been talking on the phone for several months, now. That sentence is a lead-in to the sentence after this, just so things don’t leave you feeling discombobulated. :)
My sister and I have created a support duo for ourselves — she’s trying to get in shape and tone up before her trip to Vegas and I want to lose 17 pounds and tone up in time to wear a terrific sexy-fun summer wardrobe. :) One of the first things I want to buy for myself is a gorgeous rhinestone-studded, carved-leather, western-style belt. These belts are quite expensive and I think are the perfect Big Reward for reaching my Big Goal. And I can imagine it perfectly, sitting on my sexy hips as I shop and sip daiquiris. I’ll be putting a little extra swing into each step, to make sure those rhinestones are shaking out sparkles in the sunlight, too. *grin*
She’s still recovering from ARDS (she was in a coma and on a ventilator for three weeks last winter during her battle with swine flu), and even though her recovery has been Miraculous (no kidding, she has been amazing the docs and nurses at every turn), she still has to take it a little slower when it comes to conditioning her lungs.
Her goal is three workouts a week — she’s chosen to do Body Pump classes during her free trial membership at a local gym, and then she’ll be doing some Kathy Smith aerobic DVDs.
My goal is 7 workouts a week — in spite of the fact that it’s never worked for me in the past, I’ve decided to get all Biggest Loser about myself right now. So, I want to Power Walk 4 times a week and do a 45-minute Toning Workout three days a week. I know that sounds like a lot, but the walking portion isn’t even really like a workout for me, it’s more like meditation. It’s the weight-lifting and crunches that will be the challenging part of the week for me.
We just started the challenge on Saturday and already I’m behind — today I get to make up the Toning Workout I did not do yesterday before I go out for my Power Walk. Yay me! haha!
Our time limit is two months — to have our goals completed by July 1st. Though, really, I think my real goal is not so much the weight loss as it is the new habits. I told Sis that I felt uncomfortable aiming for a certain number on the scale as I can’t control what poundage my body will shed during a specified time frame, but I can control how much I work out and what I eat. So, even though I will like it if I lose 17 pounds, what I’m aiming for is completing the workouts and looking great in that belt. :)